Things that people will say

After losing a loved one, people often try and provide comfort with their wise words. Some, better than others. These are a few of the common examples that were repeated to me often.

“I’m sorry”
It’s a cliché thing to say, and I’ve often said it myself- when you don’t know what to say, this is usually a safe option when other words fail. I believe it’s said because you’re genuinely sorry for that person’s loss, and for the person who has passed away.

“You’re so strong”
This is something that annoyed me as it was said so often. I was very good at hiding my tears, and putting on a brave face when I needed to. I was strong for those who needed to see it, and I could be an emotional wreck behind closed doors. Over time, I learnt to look at it from another angle- I dealt with my grief drug free, and provided myself with positive outlets to keep my mind stimulated and focused on good things.

“He’s in a better place now”
I understand that it’s another thing that’s said. Without dragging religion into this, people have different views on where people end up after they leave this world. I think everybody takes comfort in knowing that their loved ones are looking down on us from a greater place. Speaking from my own experience, I would often respond with “yeah…”. But it’s not something I dealt with lightly. The point was still that they’re not here on Earth, with you, with their family, enjoying their life, and having the opportunity to grow old.

“He’s not suffering”
Granted that this is said to the family who have had to watch their loved ones battle illness over long periods of time, I can understand why this is said, but it’s still not anything that I can just say “yeah, you’re right, I feel better now, thanks!”. It could just be in my cynical nature to automatically find the downside of every comment ever made…

“I know how you feel”
This is one of the blue ribbon winners when it comes down to “the worst thing you can say to someone who just lost their partner”. “I know how you feel”. This was said to me on a number of occasions, and I had to fight very hard to resist the urge to punch people in the face when they said this to me. With the exception of the few people that said this to me, who were actually widows. Unless you’re a widow, please don’t say this to someone. The same thing can be said for any loss- Unless it’s literally the same loss, losing the person same way, just remember, you don’t know it feels.

The first night.

I was too upset to be tired. I couldn’t come to grips with what had happened. Again, my mind ran wild with my thoughts. Why him? Where is he? Is he in Heaven? Is he ok? Did he know that I loved him? Did he know how much he meant to me? Did I make him happy? Did I do everything right? Was he happy? Did he know how much I’d miss him? These were all the questions that were driving me crazy. I hope that I treated him well. I hope that I made him happy. I hope that I was everything that he could have ever wanted. I hope that I made him as happy as he made me…
The guilt was overwhelming. I felt guilty for living. I felt guilty for taking every breath that I took. Every little beat of my heart. Everything- Every. Little. Thing. My brain was running on overdrive, and I couldn’t just ‘relax’. I tossed and turned for many hours, flipping my pillow over each time. Every time I shuffled my head across the pillow to get comfortable, I could feel the cold parts where my tears had soaked through the pillow case.

I rubbed the tears from my eyes, and then rubbed my hands over my face as I stretched out my body. It was when I did this, that I was completely mortified. I could smell that ‘hospital smell’. I sat up straight away, and picked up my hair from over my shoulders  and held it under my nose. Hospital smell. I picked up my pillow, and brought it up to my face. Hospital smell. I threw the covers off of me, and turned the light on.

I picked up the clothes that I’d worn to the hospital and bundled them into a pile. I carried them outside, and threw them into the bin. I never wanted to see them again. I walked back into my bedroom, and ripped the sheets from my bed, along with my quilt and pillow cases, and threw them all into the laundry. I knew what I was doing- getting rid of that hospital smell.

Once my bed was all undone, I had a shower. I’m not sure how long I was in there for, but it would have been a while. I washed my hair 3 times with 3 different shampoos and conditioners. I washed myself with body wash and soap, several times. Looking back, I’m sure that most of it was unnecessary but I felt the need to do it anyway. I wanted any trace of the hospital smell gone. I figured a concoction of anything and everything should do the trick.

I didn’t bother making my bed. I just threw on some extra warm pyjamas and threw myself down on my bed like a rag doll. I didn’t bother to look to at the time. I didn’t want to know how long I’d been awake for and how long my mind had been annoying me for.

Somehow through the morning I managed to get some sleep. It wasn’t a long sleep or a good sleep, but it was something small that my body needed.  When I woke up, my initial thought was “wow that was a terrible dream”. I rolled over and saw that my bed was a mess. No sheets, no quilt, no pillow case. Then something else clicked. I had a shower. My towel was thrown on the floor. I dropped my hand down the side of my bed, where I felt around on the floor for my phone. I saw that the little indicator light was flashing, so I knew that I had a message or two. Wrong. 30 something messages, and 15 or so missed calls. I immediately dropped my phone. Yep. It hit me. It wasn’t a dream at all. I had just woken up to my new, aching reality.